Lies and Love

Welcome to another installment of what Whitney and I are calling ‘collective blogging.’ To refresh everyone’s memory, we will both be writing blog entries on the same topic as an exercise to see how different our thought processes and memories are. Hopefully it will be good practice for an idea we have for NaNoWriMo 2009 – to write the same novel, but separately.

Today’s Topic:  Does Lying a Good Marriage Make?

Today’s topic was inspired by this article, which Whitney found and sent to me last week.

“Marriage cannot exist without dishonesty.” ????!!!!  Really?!  As a soon-to-be-married person, I was rather taken aback by this statement.  Obviously I don’t have all the answers, since I’m not married yet, but this did not seem like the type of advice one normally listens to.   And so I had to think about what a lie really is, and what it means, before I could decide how I felt about this article.

Here is what I found:

The Dictionary.com definition of “lie”

1. A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood
2. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture
3. An inaccurate or false statement
4. The charge or accusation of lying

Then there is the lie of omission, whereby you omit an important fact and deliberately leave another person with a misconception.

This is interesting because my fiancee and I disagree on whether or not lies of omission are truly lies.  He says if you haven’t actually said something that’s untrue, it’s not a lie.  I say if you leave something out that will give a different view or understanding, it is a lie.  You can be the judge, since the definition of lie is directly above this paragraph.  But it’s interesting that a committed couple would argue about lying, and if it’s good or bad in this manner.  Which happens to fall right into what this article is talking about!

I always thought the key to a good marriage – and really any relationship – is open and honest communication.  It seems to me that lying to decidedly not open and honest.  So my initial reaction to this article was to think it was a load of crap.  Don’t tell me the way to make my marriage work will be to tell lies to my husband!  I most certainly do not want him telling lies to me – like saying he likes my meatballs if he really doesn’t.  **Note, I am not accusing Alex of disliking my meatballs, this is merely an example.**  That would mean he is doomed to a life of eating meals he doesn’t want!

(As a side note, this makes me think of a funny story.  In college, one of my roommates (Jessica) and I had another roommate who was not the greatest at cooking.  She had a boyfriend who came over a lot, and he was too polite to tell her he didn’t like her meals.  I remember one time in particular when she had made chicken and biscuits out of a box, and served it to all of us.  It was terrible.  Jessica and I made up a story about needing to go get tampons at the store and left, but really we were going to Taco Bell.  The poor guy had to stay and pretend to like the food, then putz around the kitchen late that night looking for something else to eat because he couldn’t tell her the truth!  I do not want this for Alex.)

So, like I said, initially I thought this article was irritatingly bad advice.  But… then I thought of a piece of advice I’ve been given a lot over the last couple of years: you have to pick your battles.  This is, I believe, key to making a relationship work.  Something the author of this article wrote is quite true – when you spend the amount of time with a person that you spend with your spouse, they are going to get on your nerves.  No one is 100% thrilled about everything about their significant other 100% of the time.  But if you were to point out every little thing honestly, you’d fight all the time, and your partner would be left wondering why you’re with them at all.  Which makes me have to conclude that a part of this article is true. It is important to tell the whole truth to your spouse, but sometimes, when it’s just not that important, it is better to let it go and keep your opinion to yourself.  I don’t think there is a formula to this.  But, I don’t think in any equation you’d find room for lying about big things, like how you want to raise kids or where you spent the night.  As awful as the concept of lying to your spouse seems, the concept of getting divorced over which way the toilet paper should hang seems infinitely more terrible.

If you’d like to read Whitney’s take on this article, you can read it here!

Not Into This

When I sat down at the computer to write this blog, I had intended to write about my recent trip to Aruba with Alex.  It was a great trip, very relaxing, and filled with loads of entertaining anecdotes I intended to share with my blog readers.  For example, I wanted to expound upon the wonder that is Aruban beef cuisine.  The trouble is, when I sat down to look in my trusty blog moleskine to see what I wanted to say about the trip, all I could focus on was the little note I made about a movie I watched three times the week we went away: He’s Just Not That Into You.

I suppose I ought to explain why I watched it three times in a week.  I borrowed the DVD from my dad and watched it on my own one night with a glass of wine.  But I thought there were some pieces that were so very true that I made Alex watch it with me the next night.  And then JetBlue had the same movie as the feature on our flight from Aruba to NYC.  Oops.  That’s what always happens, isn’t it?

The trouble is, by the time I got to my third viewing, I was pissed off at the movie.  I felt it was rather disappointing in its message.

In case you haven’t seen the movie, I advise you to not read any further because what I am about to say will be a spoiler for you.

He’s Just Not That Into You is a movie based on a book written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo by the same title.  I’ve read the book.  I think I still own a copy of it.  The whole point of the book is to explain why women should get over guys that don’t show interest, because it’s OK that not every guy is interested.  It also gives hints to identify this behavior in men you might be currently involved with.  The movie picks up this theme, and weaves together a bunch of storylines that all involve some variation of “he/she’s not that into you.”  One of the male characters has a sort-of mantra: you’re the rule, not the exception.  Just because girls tell each other stories about a friend of a friend of a cousin who had some guy be a total jerk but then wound up getting married to the jerk and being happy doesn’t mean life will go that way for you, because that’s the exception, not the rule, he says.

I think this is fantastic for women to hear.  I know I spent way more time than I ever should have making excuses or reassuring myself with some story about someone else’s life that gave me hope for my loser of a boyfriend.  Most women fall into that trap.  I think that’s why the book was so successful when it was published – successful enough that a self-help book was turned into a major motion picture with actors like Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Jennifer Connolly to boot.  I also have pretty strong opinions about Hollywood conditioning women to expect “the fairy tale” when it comes to love, and how that can actually sabotage real-life relationships, so I had high hopes for this movie.  (See blogs here and here if you are curious about my opinions on fairy-tale love expectations.)

So you can imagine my disappointment when He’s Just Not That Into You turned out to be merely another example of a cheesy Hollywood ending, where the main characters turn out to be the exception, not the rule, and everyone is happy in the end.  WTF?!  Even the male character (name happens to be Alex) who insists most people are the rule ends up making an exception!  It’s the worst cliche ending!  This movie is not appropriate for Anti-Valentine’s Day parties at all – which is exactly what it was marketed as, because it was released just in time for Valentine’s Day 2009.

To be fair, I did watch the movie 3 times, so obviously there must have been something about it that at least entertained me.  And there was.  The truth behind some of the characters’ frustrations was incredibly funny to watch and relate to.  Social media networks for finding romance, the silly things girls do when a guy hasn’t called them yet, and guys do when they are playing “the game” … all these things make the movie fun to watch once.

I’m just not sold on it being a movie for people who are single and looking for an escape from the typical romantic comedy.

Almost Sympathetic

Last night I was at a concert at Webster Hall in New York City.  It was a last-minute thing; one of my good friends won the tickets from her cell phone.  As I was standing with her, waiting for the show to start, I couldn’t help but notice that nearly every couple in the place looked like this: girl wearing a little tank top, guy standing next to her holding her coat/umbrella/other assorted stuff. 

I have always known that men in general hold things for their significant other.  It makes them feel manly.  It is chivalrous.  It’s what they are told they are ‘supposed’ to do.  I’ve never felt any special emotion about this socially accepted behavior.  Until last night.  As I looked around me at all the guys holding jackets and bags, all I could think to myself was: sometimes guys really do get a raw deal. 

This is not something you’d typically hear me say, because women can make the same claim.  We have to give birth to children if we want the species to propagate.  We have a mess of crap to deal with once a month.  We have to wear heels.  I could keep going, but I am sure everyone gets my point.  But you are not too likely to ever see a woman holding a man’s coat while standing in a crowded room for 3 hours waiting to hear an artist she probably doesn’t really want to hear in the first place. 

Just as I was starting to feel really sorry for men, a rather drunk one came up to me.  Keith Urban was singing a slow song, Tonight I Want to Cry.  The drunk guy starts trying to get my attention – by bending down low and singing the song to me along with Mr. Urban.  Eeew.  I proceeded to pointedly ignore him, which only served to make him try harder until his friends joined him and he became distracted (he was, after all, drunk).  It’s been a while since I’ve been at a bar or club and not in the company of a man, so I was a bit taken aback at first that this guy would be so persistent.  Especially since I was feeling so much sympathy towards men at that moment.  I had forgotten how irritating inebriated members of the male gender can be. 

I no longer feel particularly bad for men.