Lies and Love

Welcome to another installment of what Whitney and I are calling ‘collective blogging.’ To refresh everyone’s memory, we will both be writing blog entries on the same topic as an exercise to see how different our thought processes and memories are. Hopefully it will be good practice for an idea we have for NaNoWriMo 2009 – to write the same novel, but separately.

Today’s Topic:  Does Lying a Good Marriage Make?

Today’s topic was inspired by this article, which Whitney found and sent to me last week.

“Marriage cannot exist without dishonesty.” ????!!!!  Really?!  As a soon-to-be-married person, I was rather taken aback by this statement.  Obviously I don’t have all the answers, since I’m not married yet, but this did not seem like the type of advice one normally listens to.   And so I had to think about what a lie really is, and what it means, before I could decide how I felt about this article.

Here is what I found:

The Dictionary.com definition of “lie”

1. A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood
2. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture
3. An inaccurate or false statement
4. The charge or accusation of lying

Then there is the lie of omission, whereby you omit an important fact and deliberately leave another person with a misconception.

This is interesting because my fiancee and I disagree on whether or not lies of omission are truly lies.  He says if you haven’t actually said something that’s untrue, it’s not a lie.  I say if you leave something out that will give a different view or understanding, it is a lie.  You can be the judge, since the definition of lie is directly above this paragraph.  But it’s interesting that a committed couple would argue about lying, and if it’s good or bad in this manner.  Which happens to fall right into what this article is talking about!

I always thought the key to a good marriage – and really any relationship – is open and honest communication.  It seems to me that lying to decidedly not open and honest.  So my initial reaction to this article was to think it was a load of crap.  Don’t tell me the way to make my marriage work will be to tell lies to my husband!  I most certainly do not want him telling lies to me – like saying he likes my meatballs if he really doesn’t.  **Note, I am not accusing Alex of disliking my meatballs, this is merely an example.**  That would mean he is doomed to a life of eating meals he doesn’t want!

(As a side note, this makes me think of a funny story.  In college, one of my roommates (Jessica) and I had another roommate who was not the greatest at cooking.  She had a boyfriend who came over a lot, and he was too polite to tell her he didn’t like her meals.  I remember one time in particular when she had made chicken and biscuits out of a box, and served it to all of us.  It was terrible.  Jessica and I made up a story about needing to go get tampons at the store and left, but really we were going to Taco Bell.  The poor guy had to stay and pretend to like the food, then putz around the kitchen late that night looking for something else to eat because he couldn’t tell her the truth!  I do not want this for Alex.)

So, like I said, initially I thought this article was irritatingly bad advice.  But… then I thought of a piece of advice I’ve been given a lot over the last couple of years: you have to pick your battles.  This is, I believe, key to making a relationship work.  Something the author of this article wrote is quite true – when you spend the amount of time with a person that you spend with your spouse, they are going to get on your nerves.  No one is 100% thrilled about everything about their significant other 100% of the time.  But if you were to point out every little thing honestly, you’d fight all the time, and your partner would be left wondering why you’re with them at all.  Which makes me have to conclude that a part of this article is true. It is important to tell the whole truth to your spouse, but sometimes, when it’s just not that important, it is better to let it go and keep your opinion to yourself.  I don’t think there is a formula to this.  But, I don’t think in any equation you’d find room for lying about big things, like how you want to raise kids or where you spent the night.  As awful as the concept of lying to your spouse seems, the concept of getting divorced over which way the toilet paper should hang seems infinitely more terrible.

If you’d like to read Whitney’s take on this article, you can read it here!

On Being Betrothed

Welcome to another installment of what Whitney and I are calling ‘collective blogging.’ To refresh everyone’s memory, we will both be writing blog entries on the same topic as an exercise to see how different our thought processes and memories are. Hopefully it will be good practice for an idea we have for NaNoWriMo 2009 – to write the same novel, but separately.

Today’s Topic: Thoughts and Memories on the First Week of Being Engaged

A major milestone was reached for me since I last posted on my blog.  I am now engaged!  Since Whitney and I can now say we both have experienced the first week of betrothal, we decided to make that the topic of this collective blog post.

You know how in school, when you’re writing those God-awful essays for college entrance or scholarship contests, they like to ask you to pick one word to describe yourself or an experience and then explain why you chose that word?  Well, the only word I can think of to sum up the experience of the first week of being an engaged person is this: surreal.   I definitely never thought I would get married (you can ask any of my friends, they will back me up on that), and I definitely never thought I would be getting married to Alex.  He is definitely everything I never knew I always wanted.  And I hate to say this, because I think it probably sounds awful, but I can only remember the proposal in bits and pieces.  I know what we did and what he said before it, and after it, but the actual proposal is a bit hazy.  Alex feels the same way; people ask him what he said and he can’t remember!  It’s like someone else’s life to both of us right now.

On top of the feeling that I’ve been removed from my body, there is the realization that one of my closest friends was dead-on balls accurate about one thing: people who are normally rational human beings can become totally crazy when you announce a wedding.  Demands get made that you didn’t see coming.  Things get blown out of proportion that you never would have thought were a big deal to someone.  And then there are the politics of weddings – the guest list, the budget, the wedding party.  And it’s only the first week!  Then there are the questions that have been asked, more than once, by many people, that I didn’t realize you have to be prepared to answer right away.  For example, many people have asked us if I cried when he proposed, or if he cried when he proposed.  To me this is weird, because I’m not really a crier and neither is Alex.  Were we supposed to cry?  Is there something wrong with us because we didn’t?  Obviously this is not as strange a question as I think it is because many people have asked it, but it sure threw me off!  I’ve also been asked many times, in some cases the day after the proposal, if we’d set a date yet.  This one I understand, and it’s a logical question to ask a newly engaged couple, but still!  The other one that threw me off the first time I got it was whether or not I have decided on colors for the wedding.  Again, now that I’ve gotten the question a bunch of times and thought about the reasons, I understand this question.  But it’s pretty overwhelming at first!  (Actually, everything is overwhelming at first…)

And then we come to the ring.  I love my ring.  It’s beautiful and I am so proud of the way Alex put it together.  I expected people to want to see it.  I expected myself to look at it a lot.  I did NOT expect that I would be as paranoid as I am about having something happen to it.  Some things are obvious, like don’t wear it if you’re cleaning or doing loads of dishes.  Other things I struggled with at first, and am still struggling with, like hand washing, and showering, and sleeping with it on.  I work in a lab, and it never once occurred to me before I was engaged that you have to decide whether or not you want to wear your ring at work, because lab gloves don’t exactly fit over the ring.  I wear mine, and got bigger gloves, for the record.

So my general impression of being engaged, a little over one week in, is that it’s a lot to take in, and I still haven’t fully absorbed it all!

If you want to read Whitney’s take on her first week of being engaged, you can read it here.

Right Or Wrong

This is the first time I saw a list of this kind that wasn’t completely stupid, so I’m sharing it.

Here are 10 ways to tell if he is Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong:
(from AOL.com)

1. You absolutely know he wants you as much as you want him. If it’s right, your feelings of love are reciprocal and mutual and not one-sided.

2. He walks into a room, and you just have to smile. You can’t help it! And when you look at him, he’s smiling at you.

3. You do kind and sweet things for each other just because you want to and not because you feel you have to. Doing them makes you both feel good — and special.

4. You are very secure in the relationship. There is no need for jealousy or suspicion. This is a drama-free zone. No one plays games or secretly tests the other.

5. He likes you for who you are and doesn’t want to change you. Not only does he not make you feel bad about yourself, but also he boosts your self-esteem.

6. Life isn’t perfect. You’ve had your ups and downs, but through it all, you have remained together with the relationship unshaken.

7. He has good friends, and you like who he is when he spends time with them.

8. He does not try to have power over you. There is absolutely no violence in the relationship.

9. He doesn’t pressure you to do things you don’t want to do.

10. The religious and personal beliefs, life goals, and interests that make you different don’t push you apart.